i remember when i am like 7 and my aunt was like 12, i use to look at her at awe and said that i can't wait to grow up to be like her. i tell myself that when i am 12 i would be able to do whatever she was doing; going out with friends for bubble tea, going over to my friends house to do projects, getting a handphone and having a grand b'dae party. thn when i was 12 and my aunt was 17. i was able to do those things that i had wanted, but it all came with a price. bubble tea was taking up all my lunch money, projects wasn't really projects, it was all gossip and back stabbing. a handphone became super distracting. and i was embarrassed when my frens came over for my party; my parents acted like some paranoid freaks. now i am 15 and i still look at the world and keep hoping that i can grow up and 'enjoy' those privileged.

but i keep overlooking the fact that the grown up world is cruel, full of backstabbers and hypocrites. i overlook the fact that the world is never easy. i keep focusing on the points where it seem so perfect that i forgotten about its flaw. i try so hard to keep up and meet up to everyone's expectations and ended up falling under the big pile of self-denial. and i started to slowly become on of them; people who try to be someone else. i try to please everybody that i start to forget that i even existed. i make promises that i did not mean. i do things that hurt people someway or another, so that i can create a safe heaven for myself. but deep down i don't feel sorry for doing that, instead i feel sorry and regretful for wanting to grow up. being a kid, falling down and stuff is much easier than handling with the outside world. suddenly being naive seem like a much more awesome deal than getting drunk.